literally had 100 drinks last night.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
