mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
