Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
