I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
