Me too!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
