yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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