Midget sex pt 2 tonight
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
