go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
