Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
