I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
