True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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