The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish i was in the wii world.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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