you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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