what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize