why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
