I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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