does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
