Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
