my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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