Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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