Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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