Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Randomize
