i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
