You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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