I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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