I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
