last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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