we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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