Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
