Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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