We're like a lot better than the average bears
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
