my vag is so smooth its legendary
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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