Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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