My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
