i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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