I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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