how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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