Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
