i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
