I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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