and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
