so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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