One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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