I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize