i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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