i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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