What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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