Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
