You can't special order awesome
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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