so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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