I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
