I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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