You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
