I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
