you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
