I think im going to throw up on grandma
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
