How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
